I'll Have A Large Cheese Pizza With Extra Bass, Please

I know I said large cheese pizza in the title, but if you order a pizza without any toppings there's something deeply wrong with you. Either you're a complete killjoy, party-pooper, stick-in-the-mud, jerk-face or you're an android who's completely lost the ability to feel human emotion. Pizza is just a really poor attempt at making a sad lasagna when you take away the toppings. You need to throw in a few pepperonis at the very least, but that's only as a last resort. A pizza can be a cornucopia of delicious meats, veggies, and other treats stacked on top of a cheesy base, but it rarely comes out that way. Most people disregard the toppings and that's a crime against food and nature. The only way it could get any worse is if the pizza was gluten free; then it ceases to be a pizza and turns into a mound of solid puss.

You can get really creative with your pizza toppings. Have you ever had a Hawaiian pizza? It's like being punched in the mouth by an angel. Unusual and exotic combinations make for fantastic results. I know people who put ranch dressing on their pizza, but they've completely lost their minds. The real trick is to put other food on pizza instead of just slathering it with more liquified goop. Add on a few layers of bacon, or maybe a few steaks. Dump a salad on top and see where that gets you. Hell, at some point in my life I will probably make a pizza that has a corner-store rotisserie chicken as a topping. Not slices of chicken -- the whole thing. There's a good chance that I'll be incredibly, incredibly drunk, but that's where all the best inspiration comes from.

In the end, that's what pizza is all about: inspiration. If you can think of it, you can probably put it on a pizza. Don't settle for second-rate pizzas with lame toppings. Demand absurd, monstrous pizzas, because this is America. If we stop putting weird crap on our pizza the terrorists win.