Chinese For Beginners, The Visibly Drunk, And The Mentally Impaired

I always wanted to learn Chinese, until I found out that ordering a number 18 at any Chinese restaurant will usually get you something good, then I stopped caring. I can barely speak English as it is, so I don't really think learning their convoluted mess of a language would benefit me at all. If anything I'd probably regress to a point where I couldn't speak either language and I'd be rendered mute. The same thing happened in high school when I tried to walk, breathe, and talk at the same time. I wound up having a seizure and they made me wait in the nurse's office while she applied leeches to the other sick students.

At least Chinese doesn't pretend that it has a real alphabet like some other languages. They just seem to make stuff up as they go along. It's like an inside joke that 1.2 billion people are in on.